A Series of Awkward Events

Hello. My name is Patty, and I am no stranger to awkward situations. I’m sure that I contribute to the awkwardness at least half of the time, but the incidents over the past few weeks however, were totally not my fault. I think.

Scenario number 1: Running into someone you know outside of the environment in which you’re accustomed to seeing them

If you’re like me, and you associate people with specific places, then it’s always weird to run into them elsewhere. This is kind of like seeing your high school French teacher shopping at Victoria’s Secret. But even running into someone you know from church at the grocery store can be awkward, particularly if you know them well enough to greet them, but know little else about them. Worse still is when you exchange pleasantries and say your good-byes in aisle 11, only to run into them a few minutes later in aisle 13. Awkward.

In any case, we had a similarly awkward experience while on line in the grocery store a few weeks ago. One of my kids spotted an acquaintance of ours standing in the next line. Once spotted, and eye contact was made, my family politely greeted them. Their reaction was priceless.

Here’s the play-by-play:

My family: Oh, hi guys! {Big smiles}

The others: Oh, hi. {Then they proceeded to turn away, facing forward, and completely ignored us the whole time they were on line).

And it was a longish line, and there we were, standing fairly close to each other in silence as we each waited for our turns at our respective registers. Awkward.

The thing about these awkward encounters is that you always end up wondering if you ever did or said something off-putting in your whole history of knowing the person or people involved. I don’t think we did, but I don’t have a crystal ball either.

Frank, my husband, is the best at coming up with possible scenarios, all in an effort to place the blame squarely on the other party, thereby making me feel better and assuring me that I’m not repugnant after all. Here were some of his explanations:

1 – They were caught red-handed, buying equipment for a homemade bomb.
2 – One or more of them suffer from halitosis.
3 – A combination of numbers one and two.

And yes, these explanations actually did make me feel better.

Scenario number 2: Seeing someone you know since childhood and having an awkward exchange, as if you don’t even know each other at all

So the other day, upon leaving Target, I thought I spotted an old school acquaintance. My eyesight has been so poor lately (am overdue for an upgrade on my glasses), that I refrained from shouting my hello from several feet away. When close enough to be certain that it was who I thought it was, I enthusiastically shouted out my greeting. Yes, shouted.

Play-by-play:

Me: Hey, how ya doin’?!?!?

Childhood friend: {With odd sort of smile/smirk on face} Hey…

And he proceeded to walk briskly past me.

Seeing as my voice volume was already at eleven, my response of “That was weird,” rang out for all to hear. Awkward.

My husband’s explanations:

1 – The guy very obviously had just sharted (classy, I know), and was making his way to the Target bathroom asap. (Have I mentioned that my husband and I have an eight-year-old's sense of humor)?
2 – He had just had an argument with his wife over his frequent salutation of uber hot women in Target parking lots, and then I come along and add extra fuel to the fire. (Um, I really loved this one, as I get to pretend I’m hot).
3 – A combination of numbers one and two. Obviously.

Scenario number 3: Talking to, or touching a complete stranger, thinking that he or she is your spouse, sibling, or child. Okay, this one is totally my fault, and as flighty as I am, it’s happened to me several times.

So we were at a close-out sale, and this guy, who I thought was my husband, was flipping through the posters on that flipper poster thingie that’s usually attached to a wall. I proceeded to comment on the posters he was going through.

Play-by-play, although I can’t vouch for the exact wording:

{Approaching poster area…}

Me: Oh brother, what is it about men and squat posters? {This was actually just a joke meant towards my husband, as there were no such posters there. Then I proceeded to step in front of the guy and flip posters, without any regard to him and his poster needs.}

Perplexed stranger guy: What?

Me: {Feeling of dread overcomes me as the unfamiliar voice registers and I turn to face a total stranger…} Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. {Quickly depart. And I do mean quickly.}

Now that was awkward. And embarrassing.

So for all of you lamenting your or others' awkwardness, you are not alone. Feel free to share your stories, and make me feel better. Think of it as therapy.