Recently, a quote attributed to Robert Heinlein has been making the rounds on Facebook.
“Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.” ~Robert A. Heinlein
I immediately agreed with the sentiment, and passed it along, sharing it with my friends. Unsurprisingly, several moms seemed to appreciate those words as well.
When I read the quote, I took it as meaning that it is okay to step back—in fact, that we should step back, and allow our children to struggle through things. That such a thing would help them develop feelings of self-worth and would make them better equipped to handle the struggles they would likely encounter in “real life.” I believed that it meant that by doing so, children would become more resilient and capable adults. When I considered “struggles,” I thought more about life skills, like the ability to keep house, make a meal, do laundry, handle interpersonal conflicts, tie their own shoes, and sort out their own problems (within reason).
It hadn’t occurred to me that others would use this quote to justify spanking, or as proof positive that children today have an elevated sense of entitlement. I noticed how some discussions sparked by this quote would degenerate into children bash fests, claiming that kids today don’t know how easy they have it. That kids today feel they are entitled to things like designer clothes and the latest greatest technology. I admit to being shocked by this interpretation because come on, really? Am I to believe that living without a cell phone or a Juicy Couture shirt is a struggle, or a sacrifice? If a child feels that such a thing is a necessity, it’s because, and I’m going out on a limb here, the parents have probably given in to their every whim before, and hence they’ve gotten used to getting all they’ve ever wanted from the get go.
But please, living without material things is hardly a struggle, or a sacrifice. One can argue that living without such things can be inconvenient, but it is not an inconvenience of monumental proportions. What is a struggle is learning right from wrong, making mistakes and learning to deal with the consequences, going without not just what you desire, but at times even what you need. Struggling is not knowing what to do, but having the wherewithal to persist, amidst repeated failures and even the fear of embarrassment.
It always bothers me when children are viewed as entitled brats. If they are, it is seldom their fault. But to judge them across the board bugs me in a huge way. Children are some of the most empathetic, unselfish people I know. They are also among the least jaded and the most humble. They are capable of identifying injustice better than many adults out there, and often have a wonderful positive outlook as to how these injustices can be remedied.
Stepping off my soapbox now.
Children are the product of their parents. I agree with your analysis and also your belief that we need to stand back and allow our children to learn for themselves. If we deem to describe our children as spoiled, we need to question also, how they got that way. Thank you for bringing up this discussion.
ReplyDeleteHello, and thank you so much for your comment. :) As parents, we do often have to stop and reflect on how we may have contributed to certain behavior in our children. I'm often disheartened by comments that betray an "us vs. them" perspective with respect to parent-child relationships.
ReplyDeleteThose that believed that to spank and hit a child was the meaning of that wonderful quote truly did not get it, and it has definitely soared above their heads
ReplyDeletelike a jetliner flying at an altitude of approximately 30,000 feet. I agree with everything that you have said and would like to add that sometimes it is very
hard for some parents to let their children experience difficulty, but there is a difference between freeing them from a bear trap and letting them get that
great new video game because they didn't clean up their room or complete their homework.
While searching I came across this definition of easy:
"Without difficulty or effort."
In truth everything takes effort to varying degrees. Working at things and putting an effort into tasks that are not easy, builds character and a good
work ethic (in not only children but adults as well).
So parents, let your children work for things they want sometimes, let them help around the house cleaning up messes, cutting the grass in the yard, washing a load of
laundry (make sure you teach them about bleach and shrinking first), take the dog out, feed the fish. Let them learn what it would be like if they were living on their own
and about all the things that need to be done when mom and dad are not going to be there to do them. Also during this period of learning independance and self
sufficiency help them along, tell them the benefits of working hard, reward them, if they are struggling at something don't let them get discouraged and teach them how to make it
right. And also remember that work does not neccessarily need to be boring and a pain. You can make it fun by working together with them, listen to music or sing a song while
working, talk about all sorts of subjects that interest them, or even turn the work into a game. If you can eliminate the idea that doing things that need to be done, that you
don't really want to do at that moment, are rough, boring, hard, and not fun and turn it around showing them that it is an opportunity to learn new things, develop a new skill, keep
things organized, and they can develop a sense of pride and accomplishment in their work, you will be ahead of the game.
Good post Olde-Schooling.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you, Watchful! Yes, struggling within reason is key. Struggling to the point of discouragement can work against the very thing we are working towards. But every child is different, and as parents we have to take these differences into consideration when determining when it's best to step in. Thanks for your comment. :)
ReplyDelete