Recently a friend mentioned that television show, "The Middle." At first, I thought she was talking about "Malcolm in the Middle," which I've never seen, but have heard of before. Anyway, what she said about the show piqued my interest, so I caught a few episodes here and there online, and oh my goodness, it was way too familiar. I found myself laughing hysterically more than a few times, and more often than not, it's because I've experienced the same or similar situations in my own life. For those of you out there who have watched the show, you'll realize that there's nothing to be proud of here. Appliances breaking down, sink and tub backing up (ON EACH OTHER)...um, yeah, bathing and washing dishes have to be done with care. Our fridge often refuses to stay shut, so I have to get creative with ways to keep the door from opening. Thankfully, as a homeschooling family, we're never short on items (namely wheeled containers full of supplies) to stick in front of the door. We seldom use our kitchen table for its intended purpose, and it's not because we don't want to, we just can't all fit around it. The last time we tried to have everyone eat at the table, my husband sat on his guitar amp, wedged into a corner between the sink and the air conditioner, and whenever someone had to get up, we all had to get up to move the table, and allow the person out, via chair-stepping no less. Classy.
So yes, there was a lot with which to identify.
Hahaha, and now I just had a flashback to when I was a kid. We'd freak out whenever someone would walk into the bathroom when one of us was showering. And no, we weren't allowed to lock the door. We had one bathroom, none of this 1-1/2 bath business, so we had to remain accommodating, even while showering. Anyway, it always followed that the person showering, would beg the person visiting the john, to please not flush for fear of being scalded to death. It's even a sniglet--thermalophobia! That's actually the only "The Middle"ish type of situation I remember from childhood. Things sort of went downhill since then!
Anyway, as sobering as it was for me to see just how tragically comic such living arrangements and family situations can be, it kind of cheered me up a bit. If anything, I tell myself that living this way builds character. And as for me, either I'll achieve nirvana via the perpetual trying of my patience until I've lost all my worldliness (the little that's left of it), or I'll have an aneurysm at 40.
Showing posts with label Humorous. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humorous. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
How NOT to Deal with Difficult People
1. Let them get to you, allowing them to wield psychological power over you to the point that they are all you can think about or talk about (um, or write about).
2. Allow your experiences with said difficult person to lead you into making broad generalizations regarding their culture or creed (or gene pool).
3. Refer to difficult people as Satan spawn or Nazis.
4. Rehash every negative experience had with said difficult person and conclude that they are in fact the antichrist.
5. Psychoanalyze their motives until you succeed at making your head explode, as you come to the realization that they are actually not even fully human, but 90% cybernetic, and therefore incapable of human emotion.
6. Spend inordinate amounts of time plotting revenge, involving the staging of an alien encounter just to freak said difficult person out (unless they are cyborgs—see number 5 above, in which case you're plum outta luck 'cause they are probably fearless).
7. Continue to put time and attention into the gifts you give said person (applicable only for difficult people to which you're related, through marriage or otherwise, because really, what other reason would induce you to give such an ornery person a gift in the first place)...gifts and thoughts that are seldom appreciated, and quite often vociferously criticized.
8. Continue to fruitlessly look for common ground in an effort to win said difficult person over, thinking naively that you're Pollyanna-esque and quite possibly the only person on earth able to tame them with your goodness and sincerity, only to find out later that your every effort is summarily shot down.
9. Engage said difficult person in conversation, in an effort to take the higher road, whilst feigning interest in all of said difficult person's favorite activities (e.g. being evil). This seldom has the intended effect.
10. Subject your children to said difficult person and call it diversity training.
11. Snort loudly, or stand in bewildered silence when a mutual acquaintance inquires about said person, especially when the acquaintance only knows the difficult person's good side and their inquiry and subsequent comments come off even a slight bit adulatory.
12. And related to number 11... Give in to temptation and tell sincere inquirer person all that you know about how said difficult person hates puppies and all else that is good in the world. That'll show 'em.
2. Allow your experiences with said difficult person to lead you into making broad generalizations regarding their culture or creed (or gene pool).
3. Refer to difficult people as Satan spawn or Nazis.
4. Rehash every negative experience had with said difficult person and conclude that they are in fact the antichrist.
5. Psychoanalyze their motives until you succeed at making your head explode, as you come to the realization that they are actually not even fully human, but 90% cybernetic, and therefore incapable of human emotion.
6. Spend inordinate amounts of time plotting revenge, involving the staging of an alien encounter just to freak said difficult person out (unless they are cyborgs—see number 5 above, in which case you're plum outta luck 'cause they are probably fearless).
7. Continue to put time and attention into the gifts you give said person (applicable only for difficult people to which you're related, through marriage or otherwise, because really, what other reason would induce you to give such an ornery person a gift in the first place)...gifts and thoughts that are seldom appreciated, and quite often vociferously criticized.
8. Continue to fruitlessly look for common ground in an effort to win said difficult person over, thinking naively that you're Pollyanna-esque and quite possibly the only person on earth able to tame them with your goodness and sincerity, only to find out later that your every effort is summarily shot down.
9. Engage said difficult person in conversation, in an effort to take the higher road, whilst feigning interest in all of said difficult person's favorite activities (e.g. being evil). This seldom has the intended effect.
10. Subject your children to said difficult person and call it diversity training.
11. Snort loudly, or stand in bewildered silence when a mutual acquaintance inquires about said person, especially when the acquaintance only knows the difficult person's good side and their inquiry and subsequent comments come off even a slight bit adulatory.
12. And related to number 11... Give in to temptation and tell sincere inquirer person all that you know about how said difficult person hates puppies and all else that is good in the world. That'll show 'em.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
A Series of Awkward Events
Hello. My name is Patty, and I am no stranger to awkward situations. I’m sure that I contribute to the awkwardness at least half of the time, but the incidents over the past few weeks however, were totally not my fault. I think.
Scenario number 1: Running into someone you know outside of the environment in which you’re accustomed to seeing them
If you’re like me, and you associate people with specific places, then it’s always weird to run into them elsewhere. This is kind of like seeing your high school French teacher shopping at Victoria’s Secret. But even running into someone you know from church at the grocery store can be awkward, particularly if you know them well enough to greet them, but know little else about them. Worse still is when you exchange pleasantries and say your good-byes in aisle 11, only to run into them a few minutes later in aisle 13. Awkward.
In any case, we had a similarly awkward experience while on line in the grocery store a few weeks ago. One of my kids spotted an acquaintance of ours standing in the next line. Once spotted, and eye contact was made, my family politely greeted them. Their reaction was priceless.
Here’s the play-by-play:
My family: Oh, hi guys! {Big smiles}
The others: Oh, hi. {Then they proceeded to turn away, facing forward, and completely ignored us the whole time they were on line).
And it was a longish line, and there we were, standing fairly close to each other in silence as we each waited for our turns at our respective registers. Awkward.
The thing about these awkward encounters is that you always end up wondering if you ever did or said something off-putting in your whole history of knowing the person or people involved. I don’t think we did, but I don’t have a crystal ball either.
Frank, my husband, is the best at coming up with possible scenarios, all in an effort to place the blame squarely on the other party, thereby making me feel better and assuring me that I’m not repugnant after all. Here were some of his explanations:
1 – They were caught red-handed, buying equipment for a homemade bomb.
2 – One or more of them suffer from halitosis.
3 – A combination of numbers one and two.
And yes, these explanations actually did make me feel better.
Scenario number 2: Seeing someone you know since childhood and having an awkward exchange, as if you don’t even know each other at all
So the other day, upon leaving Target, I thought I spotted an old school acquaintance. My eyesight has been so poor lately (am overdue for an upgrade on my glasses), that I refrained from shouting my hello from several feet away. When close enough to be certain that it was who I thought it was, I enthusiastically shouted out my greeting. Yes, shouted.
Play-by-play:
Me: Hey, how ya doin’?!?!?
Childhood friend: {With odd sort of smile/smirk on face} Hey…
And he proceeded to walk briskly past me.
Seeing as my voice volume was already at eleven, my response of “That was weird,” rang out for all to hear. Awkward.
My husband’s explanations:
1 – The guy very obviously had just sharted (classy, I know), and was making his way to the Target bathroom asap. (Have I mentioned that my husband and I have an eight-year-old's sense of humor)?
2 – He had just had an argument with his wife over his frequent salutation of uber hot women in Target parking lots, and then I come along and add extra fuel to the fire. (Um, I really loved this one, as I get to pretend I’m hot).
3 – A combination of numbers one and two. Obviously.
Scenario number 3: Talking to, or touching a complete stranger, thinking that he or she is your spouse, sibling, or child. Okay, this one is totally my fault, and as flighty as I am, it’s happened to me several times.
So we were at a close-out sale, and this guy, who I thought was my husband, was flipping through the posters on that flipper poster thingie that’s usually attached to a wall. I proceeded to comment on the posters he was going through.
Play-by-play, although I can’t vouch for the exact wording:
{Approaching poster area…}
Me: Oh brother, what is it about men and squat posters? {This was actually just a joke meant towards my husband, as there were no such posters there. Then I proceeded to step in front of the guy and flip posters, without any regard to him and his poster needs.}
Perplexed stranger guy: What?
Me: {Feeling of dread overcomes me as the unfamiliar voice registers and I turn to face a total stranger…} Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. {Quickly depart. And I do mean quickly.}
Now that was awkward. And embarrassing.
So for all of you lamenting your or others' awkwardness, you are not alone. Feel free to share your stories, and make me feel better. Think of it as therapy.
Scenario number 1: Running into someone you know outside of the environment in which you’re accustomed to seeing them
If you’re like me, and you associate people with specific places, then it’s always weird to run into them elsewhere. This is kind of like seeing your high school French teacher shopping at Victoria’s Secret. But even running into someone you know from church at the grocery store can be awkward, particularly if you know them well enough to greet them, but know little else about them. Worse still is when you exchange pleasantries and say your good-byes in aisle 11, only to run into them a few minutes later in aisle 13. Awkward.
In any case, we had a similarly awkward experience while on line in the grocery store a few weeks ago. One of my kids spotted an acquaintance of ours standing in the next line. Once spotted, and eye contact was made, my family politely greeted them. Their reaction was priceless.
Here’s the play-by-play:
My family: Oh, hi guys! {Big smiles}
The others: Oh, hi. {Then they proceeded to turn away, facing forward, and completely ignored us the whole time they were on line).
And it was a longish line, and there we were, standing fairly close to each other in silence as we each waited for our turns at our respective registers. Awkward.
The thing about these awkward encounters is that you always end up wondering if you ever did or said something off-putting in your whole history of knowing the person or people involved. I don’t think we did, but I don’t have a crystal ball either.
Frank, my husband, is the best at coming up with possible scenarios, all in an effort to place the blame squarely on the other party, thereby making me feel better and assuring me that I’m not repugnant after all. Here were some of his explanations:
1 – They were caught red-handed, buying equipment for a homemade bomb.
2 – One or more of them suffer from halitosis.
3 – A combination of numbers one and two.
And yes, these explanations actually did make me feel better.
Scenario number 2: Seeing someone you know since childhood and having an awkward exchange, as if you don’t even know each other at all
So the other day, upon leaving Target, I thought I spotted an old school acquaintance. My eyesight has been so poor lately (am overdue for an upgrade on my glasses), that I refrained from shouting my hello from several feet away. When close enough to be certain that it was who I thought it was, I enthusiastically shouted out my greeting. Yes, shouted.
Play-by-play:
Me: Hey, how ya doin’?!?!?
Childhood friend: {With odd sort of smile/smirk on face} Hey…
And he proceeded to walk briskly past me.
Seeing as my voice volume was already at eleven, my response of “That was weird,” rang out for all to hear. Awkward.
My husband’s explanations:
1 – The guy very obviously had just sharted (classy, I know), and was making his way to the Target bathroom asap. (Have I mentioned that my husband and I have an eight-year-old's sense of humor)?
2 – He had just had an argument with his wife over his frequent salutation of uber hot women in Target parking lots, and then I come along and add extra fuel to the fire. (Um, I really loved this one, as I get to pretend I’m hot).
3 – A combination of numbers one and two. Obviously.
Scenario number 3: Talking to, or touching a complete stranger, thinking that he or she is your spouse, sibling, or child. Okay, this one is totally my fault, and as flighty as I am, it’s happened to me several times.
So we were at a close-out sale, and this guy, who I thought was my husband, was flipping through the posters on that flipper poster thingie that’s usually attached to a wall. I proceeded to comment on the posters he was going through.
Play-by-play, although I can’t vouch for the exact wording:
{Approaching poster area…}
Me: Oh brother, what is it about men and squat posters? {This was actually just a joke meant towards my husband, as there were no such posters there. Then I proceeded to step in front of the guy and flip posters, without any regard to him and his poster needs.}
Perplexed stranger guy: What?
Me: {Feeling of dread overcomes me as the unfamiliar voice registers and I turn to face a total stranger…} Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. {Quickly depart. And I do mean quickly.}
Now that was awkward. And embarrassing.
So for all of you lamenting your or others' awkwardness, you are not alone. Feel free to share your stories, and make me feel better. Think of it as therapy.
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